I used to hold my thoughts to myself when hearing this but would die a little inside. Because they were implying I was weak, something I had thought about myself for a long time. They were validating my own worst fears; that by taking an antidepressant, I was giving into weakness.

I don’t hold my words back anymore. Depression is more than just feeling a little sad sometimes. Depression is driving down the highway and thinking the next semi that goes by will be the one you “accidentally” pull in front of. Depression is thinking your own children hate you for no other reason than you exist. Depression means getting out of bed is a feat in and of itself because at least by laying in bed, you know that there is a safe place in the world. That is more than feeling a little sad.

I also read articles like this one and my blood boils. 20% of Americans are on more antidepressants in this decade compared to other decades. That is due to better diagnosis, less stigma with getting help and lower costs of mental health care. I can assure you, articles like this do nothing for people who are already feeling bad because they couldn’t just “suck it up”. This article is nothing more than fear mongering and hatred dressed up in fake concern about “addiction”. I have had to cut off people in my life because they spewed the rhetoric “just pull yourself together”. That is not a helpful statement, nor is it humane. If I was able to get out of the funk, I would. If I could suck it up, I would.

What I won’t do is keep my mouth shut when people say “I would never take a pill for that”. That little pill has saved my life. Not only by saving me from suicide, but it has made the quality of life enjoyable. There is more to life than sitting in a dark room trying to get the resolve to go the grocery store. I don’t feel like I am weak for taking that little pill. In fact, it took a lot of strength to go a new psychiatrist and tell them at 33, I couldn’t manage life like everyone else. It takes a lot of strength to admit to even myself that my brain chemistry requires an added boost in order to function. It takes a lot of strength to be able to tell people that by taking that little pill everyday, I am able to be friends with them at all.

Strength is found in many forms. I am able to find my inner strength with the help of Wellbutrin.

This year I am again only making one resolution: to “be free”. I am in the middle of grad school and of course feel the pressure of that impending finalization. Joshua was diagnosed with ADD this semester and I haven’t even been able to write about my feelings of this turn of events.

“Be free”. I’m in my mid-30′s, I don’t want to look back in 10 years and wish I had done all things I said no to. As I experienced very closely this year, life is short. People disappear, people pass on.

I have been accused of being tightly wound , so this will be an exercise of the mind for sure. Yet, last year I started to be nicer to people and that worked well. I am hoping to say at the end of 2012 “I lived freely”.

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Thanks for the understanding.

Melissa

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