The world we live in is so isolated compared to our ancestors. We don’t help our neighbors build barns(which is good because I should never under any circumstances have a hammer), we don’t borrow a cup of sugar from our neighbors. We have made ourselves an island, and I for one think I could drown in it. But I took a look at my neighbors and wasn’t impressed and will not be asking for a cup of sugar from them.

So how do we solve this crisis of isolation? BLOGGING BABY!!! I’m totally addicted. I’ve read like 20 today and man do I love it.

But still, there’s something to be said for having some one sit at your table and drink your cheap coffee and say, Oh Honey I know.

Dear Joshua,

First of all, I’m sorry I’ve been grouchy this week. You’ve been sick and I’ve been insane. But your feeling better and now, so am I.

You have been in my life for 4.5 months now. I honestly can say my life started when you were born. I was given a fresh slate and I love it and hate it at the same time. I can’t explain that statement now, but when your older, I will try.

You have discovered your hands this month as well as learned to roll over. It’s exciting to see you learn a new world. It’s wonderful to know you can explore your world. I wonder often how you view your own world. If you feel safe. If you feel secure. If you like where you are. You laugh alot, so for now I’m going to assume yes.

I can honestly say that you are the light of my world. I know I will wake up the next day, not because you wake me up, but because I want to wake up for you. I want to see your blue eyes in the morning. I want to kiss your plumb cheeks and show you the world. I feel reborn because of your life. I feel emotions that I used to have in life, but had buried. I have hope again and that’s a gift you gave me. Intangible gifts that you give me everyday.

My promise to you this month is for another month of sanity. I promise to keep it together for you. I promise that I will seek new ways of glueing myself together. I promise to not be a fragile flower but a rock of fortitude. I  will be like an iceburg, letting all the crap melt off and keeping the essentials.

I love you. You are a wonderful blessing.

Mommy

Dear Joshua,

First of all, I’m sorry I’ve been grouchy this week. You’ve been sick and I’ve been insane. But your feeling better and now, so am I.

You have been in my life for 4.5 months now. I honestly can say my life started when you were born. I was given a fresh slate and I love it and hate it at the same time. I can’t explain that statement now, but when your older, I will try.

You have discovered your hands this month as well as learned to roll over. It’s exciting to see you learn a new world. It’s wonderful to know you can explore your world. I wonder often how you view your own world. If you feel safe. If you feel secure. If you like where you are. You laugh alot, so for now I’m going to assume yes.

I can honestly say that you are the light of my world. I know I will wake up the next day, not because you wake me up, but because I want to wake up for you. I want to see your blue eyes in the morning. I want to kiss your plumb cheeks and show you the world. I feel reborn because of your life. I feel emotions that I used to have in life, but had buried. I have hope again and that’s a gift you gave me. Intangible gifts that you give me everyday.

My promise to you this month is for another month of sanity. I promise to keep it together for you. I promise that I will seek new ways of glueing myself together. I promise to not be a fragile flower but a rock of fortitude. I will be like an iceburg, letting all the crap melt off and keeping the essentials.

I love you. You are a wonderful blessing.

Mommy

Well, my wonderful baby has a tiny cold, nothing to worry about physically, but enough to keep him grouchy. He’s also teething. So, for the past couple of days, he hasn’t know whether he wanted held, put down, to play or to veg out. And sleep hasn’t been on the menu. Example, last night I FINALLY got him to sleep about 1 am. After a couple of hours of fussiness. And he doesn’t cry. He fusses and whines. Which might be worse, I don’t know. Then at 4 am he decides he’s hungry which is great because I want him hydrated. I wake back up around 6 am and he’s wet through his diapers and clothes but he’s still sleeping. I decide to change him. I will never know if this was a good choice or not. He wakes up and not only doesn’t go back to sleep, doesn’t go back till about 10:30 am. Why am I recounting our sleep log? Because I’m so tired it’s the only thing on my mind. I look like hell, feel like hell and probley don’t smell like roses either. This is the first time in 4 months of single parenting that I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could roll over and say “your turn”. But nope. And I love him. That’s what my mantra this week has been, I love him. Over and over again. On a positive note, when he was asleep, I decided cheetos and a diet coke were in order. Then he cried. I’m sure you know where this is going……. He has cheetos staines on his sleeper from my hands. Can’t win. It’s funny to me and if any one said anything, I’d recount my day to them and ask what they would do differently.

I promised myself when I started a blog that it wouldn’t be all child all the time. And it won’t. But right now, I’m too tired to think of anything witty. It gets better right?

Snot- clear
Poop-green
Spit up- white and kinda globby
Spit-big bubbles

Yep, all of these in one day plus some. Day complete, now for a diet coke. I need a life.

Well, my wonderful baby has a tiny cold, nothing to worry about physically, but enough to keep him grouchy. He’s also teething. So, for the past couple of days, he hasn’t know whether he wanted held, put down, to play or to veg out. And sleep hasn’t been on the menu. Example, last night I FINALLY got him to sleep about 1 am. After a couple of hours of fussiness. And he doesn’t cry. He fusses and whines. Which might be worse, I don’t know. Then at 4 am he decides he’s hungry which is great because I want him hydrated. I wake back up around 6 am and he’s wet through his diapers and clothes but he’s still sleeping. I decide to change him. I will never know if this was a good choice or not. He wakes up and not only doesn’t go back to sleep, doesn’t go back till about 10:30 am. Why am I recounting our sleep log? Because I’m so tired it’s the only thing on my mind. I look like hell, feel like hell and probley don’t smell like roses either. This is the first time in 4 months of single parenting that I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could roll over and say “your turn”. But nope. And I love him. That’s what my mantra this week has been, I love him. Over and over again. On a positive note, when he was asleep, I decided cheetos and a diet coke were in order. Then he cried. I’m sure you know where this is going……. He has cheetos staines on his sleeper from my hands. Can’t win. It’s funny to me and if any one said anything, I’d recount my day to them and ask what they would do differently.

I promised myself when I started a blog that it wouldn’t be all child all the time. And it won’t. But right now, I’m too tired to think of anything witty. It gets better right?

Well, the name of my blog is Space and Time for a reason. I’m learning where my new space is in the new time that I have been given. June 2004 is a bad month for me and frankly the whole year sucked. In the end of June, I attepted suicide and would have succeeded if not for a dear friend, Lisa. That was the day I had to confront what I was running from for years. Fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of finding out who I really was and not liking me. This is not a self pity party post. I don’t feel sorry for myself one iota. What I came away from that experience was a turning point to change everything about the space that I was taking up in time. One year later, my son Joshua was born. I refuse not to see a connection. There is one. And the more I learn about this precious being, I learn more about myself also. I’m learning I can be a totally new person. I’m learning a new dimension of space that I can habitate. Will I hide this person I once was from my son? That’s not a question I know the answer to. Because unfortunately, this old creature makes up part of the new creature I am becoming. I am coming to grip with my feelings on the Church. My faith is very important to me. And then I’m mad at God sometimes still. And then I wonder if my suicide attempt(hence forth called the incident) made a speration that I can’t bridge again. Gives me pause to think and sometimes I think I’m pausing to long. But I can’t force myself to go any faster than what I am now. Today was a good day in the struggle for my sanity. Somedays it’s a minute by minute basis and sometimes it’s not that hard. Today was a good day for it. I’m in the midst of wondering about more changes I want to make to my life. I might start looking for a different apartment or house. And I"m thinking of going back to school in January. I can’t decide if I want to go back to school to learn or to put of being an adult for a little longer.

Well, the name of my blog is Space and Time for a reason. I’m learning where my new space is in the new time that I have been given. June 2004 is a bad month for me and frankly the whole year sucked. In the end of June, I attepted suicide and would have succeeded if not for a dear friend, Lisa. That was the day I had to confront what I was running from for years. Fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of finding out who I really was and not liking me. This is not a self pity party post. I don’t feel sorry for myself one iota. What I came away from that experience was a turning point to change everything about the space that I was taking up in time. One year later, my son Joshua was born. I refuse not to see a connection. There is one. And the more I learn about this precious being, I learn more about myself also. I’m learning I can be a totally new person. I’m learning a new dimension of space that I can habitate. Will I hide this person I once was from my son? That’s not a question I know the answer to. Because unfortunately, this old creature makes up part of the new creature I am becoming. I am coming to grip with my feelings on the Church. My faith is very important to me. And then I’m mad at God sometimes still. And then I wonder if my suicide attempt(hence forth called the incident) made a speration that I can’t bridge again. Gives me pause to think and sometimes I think I’m pausing to long. But I can’t force myself to go any faster than what I am now. Today was a good day in the struggle for my sanity. Somedays it’s a minute by minute basis and sometimes it’s not that hard. Today was a good day for it. I’m in the midst of wondering about more changes I want to make to my life. I might start looking for a different apartment or house. And I”m thinking of going back to school in January. I can’t decide if I want to go back to school to learn or to put of being an adult for a little longer.